I Don't Know How to Say Good-Bye

I called the vet this morning at 7:30am. I could tell the doc did not want to tell me what she was about to say. Casper's blood tests are worse than expected. His liver is 3-4 times higher than should be, he has anemia, a mild infection in his body, and worst of all is his kidneys....the levels are off the charts. I mean literally off the charts they are so high they don't know the exact number. They know it is higher than the lab can test to, which is not good.  Basically that means his kidneys are failing and there is really nothing they can do to stop it except give him intravenous fluids, but he won't eat so it makes his body to weak to heal and if he won't eat his liver will fail. Since he is too weak for a surgery to put in a feeding tube (the anesthesia will certainly kill him), if the kidneys don't fail his liver will first. The only way he has a chance is if he starts eating again, which looks very unlikely. I went to go visit him today. I met with the doctor before hand. He told me Casper is pretty much non-responsive and will not eat and things don't look good. I asked him if I could visit with him and try and feed him. He said I could. I saw him from afar. He looked weak and lifeless. I tried to feed him. He wouldn't swallow or even acknowledge I was trying to feed him. I cried, I held him, I love him. I do not know how to let him go. I stayed for a while and just cried. I couldn't stop. I want him back, but I could tell this is it. I just don't want to accept it. The techs were really nice; one of them came over and gave me some tissues and talked to me for a bit. I eventually left without talking to the doctor again. I didn't want to ask him what I should do next. I don't ask questions I don't really want to know the answer. And I didn't want to know, but I knew. I went home. I need a little time to process being in my house without my precious. It's hard. I will go back in a couple hours and talk to the doctor and face what I already know.